Definition of your best friend

Lets try this… Write a note about your best friend…

Faye Jones. 20. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Architecture student. Loves cats. Loves her sister more than her self. Peacemaker. Hardest working student I have ever met. Loves because and despite. Perfectionist. Eats blueberrys like they will not grow again next year. Works out like she is or will become overweight. One buff chick. Wants to be the best at what she wants. Tries/works too hard sometimes. Laughs at other peoples jokes even if they aren’t funny for the sake of the other person. Cries when she sees dead cats on the side of the road. Is always concerned with any”thing” else’s feelings. Sensitive. Passionate. Doesn’t want children but will be a great mother. Respectful. Beautiful human being.

God… And John Green

“I am going to take this bucket of water and pour it on the flames of hell, and then I am going to use this torch to burn down the gates of paradise so that people will not love God for want of heaven or fear of hell, but because He is God.”

Mumma always told me

Mumma always told me to straighten up and fly right.
Took me some burning, took me some drowning, took me to fall through the sky.
To figure out what that means.
To figure out how I be a human being.

I’m here.. I’m alive. I’m functioning fairly well. I’m dividing my time pretty evenly so I don’t burn people out… I’ve figured at least that much out. There are people I want, people I love, who I will never let go. They can’t let me go either. But don’t look at me like I’m not alive… I’m here tonight. I’m not sure what I want anymore. Whether its a man, or company, or a relationship, or just love. Either way it will find me. I don’t need anything.

I miss Matthew, he was always so insightful. He always knew what to say, when the nose came to grind… He was always the one who had the balls, the love, and the honesty to tell me how it was. He always told me the truth… Whether I wanted to hear it or not. I miss that in my life. But I suppose there will always be someone new, someone to love, someone to be loved by. There will always be fresh humans, whether theyve been burnt or not. They are still capable. If that is what they want.

Some days

Some days I want to fly, and I just sit searching for wings.
Some days I just want to sit here and cry while searching for a noose to hold me down.
And other days I am just looking for someone’s loving eyes, because sometimes I need them just to keep my own alive.
I never asked for this life, But I sure as hell won’t let it pass me by.

And may the bridges I burn light the way.
And the rainy days show me which puddles to dance in.
And may the salt air that stings me also be what heals me.
For I won’t be their wallflower unless the walls talk back to me

Bad ass

I am bad ass. Its taken me a while, and sometime I still can’t get it through my head, but I fuckin rock this shit. I am one of a kind. I am truly the only one of my kind. There is no one else like me. You will never meet another one even close to being like me. I told that to James and Andrew at Pamplona today and James even said, “yeah, I get that about you… And I don’t really even know you that well.” lol! I like my beer in carbonated, I analyze like a psychologist… Sometimes to a fault. I love… And I mean really love people just when I meet them. I can fall in love with someone in days, and that means forever for me. I don’t eat green vegetables. I would give the shirt off my back to the ones that I care about. I go to extremes, but at least I have stopped thinking about what I think about. People cant tell whether i am 16 or thirty… And i will almost always smile, even if it hurts inside, because i know that other people need to see it. I will always be your mystery. And I like that.

Who I Am

I want to be someone you remember
My shoulder always there to catch your tears
I want to be the one admired rather than liked
Never hiding in the shadows, like a fly on the wall,
or searching for my soul

And don’t curse me by saying you hate me
And don’t stab me in the back when I’m not looking
Don’t look at me like I’m not alive
I won’t compromise

I Know What I want

I want sunshine. And sometimes I want it to rain just so I can go dance in the puddles. I want to play “olden day girls” again with my best friends. And I want to build forts and make mud pies. I want to go back to my last semester in art school, when I was in love with a boy and just let it be that… love with a boy. I want to lay on the west lawn at Flagler College and soak up the sun with no responsibilities but painting. I want to be in love with someone who loves me back. I want the man who loves me to be strong enough to be my man. I want to be strong enough to not need a man. I want all my checks to bring themselves to the post office. I want to hang glide over the grand canyon and ski the alps. I want to write a happy song like my mother has been asking me for the past 8 years just so she will be happy. I want the hair under my arms to stop growing. I want to live on the edge of a small town with a piano on the front porch and four half broke horses that love me. Sometimes I just want to cry. And then I want anyone to see and not ask me why, but hug me till I stop.

I miss her

I miss her. I miss the way she used to look at me. Mostly with looks of doubt and admiration. I miss dancing in the garage together and goofing off in the woods together. I miss fighting over the prettiest dress in our closets. I miss her telling me, “That’s not a good idea.” I miss her little text messages checking up on me to see if I was doing ok. I miss her smiling at me. I miss laying at the end of her bed, and writing in our journals together. I always thought we had such an honest relationship… open. I think we used to. I miss that.

But I don’t miss pretending I had it together. I am so glad I can just be human now. I can’t get it right all the time. I know I act retarded sometimes. I fix it when I can and when it’s appropriate, but I won’t walk on eggshells. And I don’t expect anyone would want me to.

We are both beautiful people and we both have our issues, but I always thought we were quick to deal with them and be done. Maybe I was always wrong… Maybe I am wrong, but I don’t want to always have to be the brave one.

Lean on Me

I’m sitting at Charlie Gs alone now. The regular boys have all gone home to “save their marriages,” after they paid for my glass of champagne. I’m so loved. I’m so lonely too. I was thinking too hard and then the song “lean on me” came on. That was me and an old friend of mines song. We had a falling out and don’t really see each other anymore, but it made me tear up. To think how true that song is and how many friends I have here already that I can lean on. My eyes are still grey. I can tell by the way men look at me, but someday they wont be anymore. That would be nice. But for now, I’ll just lean.

Ruins

You didn’t ruin me, lots of men before you have had that pleasure.
No.
You just treated me like your world and then watched me disintegrate. Let me disintegrate. Helped me disintegrate.
Because you were too insecure to claim the thing that you made.
Us.
And you said things that any other woman wouldn’t tolerate. But I did, and I loved you anyway. I forgave you anyway.
But somehow now the things I did in reaction to the things you did are unforgivable? Well then, change!
You started this battle. Don’t coward out! Finish it the damn thing!
You can’t wait for the world to change. You either change it, or let it sweep you away.
But I won’t run away. Not again.
I won’t let you take these pieces of a life you helped create.